July 2002

Warning: this is an OLD newsletter. Time marches on; things change. Information may be outdated, irrelevant, misleading or incorrect. (That means links, which are down at the bottom, may not work either. Unless it sends you to a porno site I won't fix it so don't tell me.) To get on the list to receive the next current newsletter, hit the BACK arrow on your browser and enter your e-mail address in the box on the previous page. You'll get the next issue. If you absolutely can't figure it out then e-mail me. It's free! What are you waiting for?

The Ami-Simms-Newsletter
July 1, 2002

It's me. Ami. REALLY! I'm glad you're all still with me and welcome you all to an official, honest-to-goodness Ami Simms Newsletter!

Contrary to what it may have looked like, the "Purse Warning" sent out to you on June 18th was not from me. As I explained in my rebuttal, I didn't write that, nor did I send it and I have to confess I don't even watch Oprah. (The truth is out now.)

Apparently, the same warning was sent to the readers of Kaye Wood's newsletter. They were as mystified as I. We're working together to try and figure out how this all happened. While we're putting our heads together, maybe you'd like to know more about Kaye's newsletter. Her Quilting and Sewing E-Newsletter is free and keeps you updated on what Kaye's up to, tips and techniques, sale information, and of course, how to wear your purse. (JUST KIDDING!) E-mail Terry to subscribe at terrye@kayewood.com. You can also see a sample of Kaye's newsletter at

As far as we were able to discover, we don't know. We've been in contact with Yahoo who thinks that someone "forged my header." The header is the annoying "garbage" that appears at the bottom of an email, listing where the email came from, the subject, sender's name, and shirt size. (I never read those, do you?) It's the stuff that makes your printer waste paper printing a Page Two when the e-mail all by itself could have fit onto a Page One, thank you very much. (I didn't know what a header was either.)

So....somehow by forging a header some prankster with a purse fetish, or a pickpocket hoping to score a baggie full of appliqué and one of your thimbles sent you all an e-mail. How they got hold of the 10,000+ e-mail addresses from Yahoo's password-protected site is beyond me, unless they somehow figured out my secret password. (My bra size, multiplied by my weight, minus the year I was born, added to the number of freckles on my left arm converted to letters by what words I can spell using the keypad on my phone after three beers). Not likely! (I'm kidding. I don't drink beer.)

The Yahoo I communicated with WAS able to tell me how to find the IP address of the prankster/pickpocket. It was one of the cute little numbers in the header. Presumably I could complain to the Internet Provider (IP) and I'd get off the Yahoo's back. An IP is like America On-Line or Hotmail. Oh yes, I can see them paying special attention to my little problem. 128 billion served and this hamburger got a pickle when she didn't ask for it. Like they're going to stop everything and fix THAT!

Comparing notes with Kaye's newsletter editor, we discovered both bogus e-mails were sent through the same IP. So THERE! We were on to something and it wasn't a large order of fries! My computer buddy, Jim, told me not to get my hopes up. If the prankster with the purse obsession was smart enough to forge a header he/she could probably figure out how to make it look like it came from a different IP too. (Thanks, Jim.)

Nevertheless, I sleuthed my way over to the web site the Big Yahoo suggested and low and behold I located the name of the IP. It even had a phone number, which I called and I got a real live PERSON.

It was the wrong person, but he was very nice and quite knowledgeable, and actually made me feel lucky that something worse didn't happen because it sure could have. Spammers, he told me, have programs that can send bulk e-mails using one poor slob's e-mail address, and another unsuspecting dupe's reply-to. That way, the slob gets blamed for it and the dupe gets all the angry e-mails. In this case I played the role of slob AND dupe and I thank you all for using your best manners in your replies to "my" warning.

In conclusion (finally), I've changed some settings on Yahoo to make it slightly more difficult for this to happen again, I'm checking to find another way to send out an email to this many subscribers (no luck yet), and sadly, it seems that there is a remote possibility this could happen again no matter what service I use to send out the e-mails. I guess that's why you've got a delete key.

You should be. And if you want just one extra reason why, read about the dreaded Klez Virus. Grab a cold compress for your head and check out for a very understandable explanation of what's been happening. You need to know.

This month it's a total MYSTERY. My stash is so big I can no longer get the closet doors closed and it's time to thin out the herd. My loss is your gain, and you'll be nine pounds richer if you win this month's prize. I've also thrown in a handful of other surprises and Mountain Mist has donated a 90" x 108" White Gold Iron Baste 100% cotton bat. Good luck!

There's another quilt on the auction block this month. Maybe this one has your name on it. Head over to and please bid generously. All proceeds from this sale will be donated to Leader Dogs For The Blind.

This was by far the most fun mail I've gotten in a long time. Your methods of discouraging telemarketers were SO creative. Here are a few:

- I let my five-year-old daughter answer the phone. She refuses to hand it over to "mommy or daddy" until they ANSWER her "Who is it please?" which she will repeat as often as necessary.

-I told the telemarketer I was so glad to hear from them and that I could get a credit card from their company. I was worried that I'd have trouble since I declared bankruptcy last month.

- "Officer, this is the kind of call I told you about. Come quick!"

- My boyfriend's last name is difficult to pronounce. When someone calls and butchers his name he says, "You have three chances to pronounce my name correctly. If you get it, I'll listen to what you are selling. If you don't I hang up."

- "I'm a little pressed for time right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later when I have time to listen to you?"

-Flush the toilet . . . 'nuff said

-If you tell the caller that you are broke but you will pray for them, this makes them hang up immediately. What a shame.

-When a long distance company calls my brother to get him to switch he tells them "I don't have a phone."(Think about that one for a minute.)

- I always let them know before they begin that I will need their Visa or Mastercard number as I charge $5.00 a minute for listening or for answering surveys and sales pitches.

-"You have reached a sensitive line, you are being recorded for security purposes."

-I have also found out that if you say no three times they hang up. (Sort of like chanting, "There's no place like home.")

- I tell them I'll listen to their spiel if they will give me just one minute of their time to get their opinion on something I'm trying to start- a multi-level marketing plan for selling jewelry made out of llama poop. I tell them there is a tremendous untouched market out there for the unique necklaces, earrings...

- I ask the caller to hold on, I will let them speak with the man of the house. The "man of the house is a 145 lb DOG! I hand the phone to him, speaker facing into his mouth, and he proceeds to walk about the house "breathing" into the phone! Works every time!

Almost each of you used these techniques after MUCH frustration. Nobody really wants to be rude. So, this might be a solution: "Please put my name and number on your NO-CALL LIST." It's not enough to be removed from the list from which they got your number; you want to be ON the list they CAN'T call. I've tried it and so far it works! And, if they don't honor your request, it's against the law. You can sue them. (That is if you'd like another hobby.) I found this all very interesting. Check out . Lest you think I was clever enough to discover this all by myself, think again. Thanks, as always to my very savvy newsletter readers, including my Uncle Bud!

Anne Norman just completed a super quilt for a retiring teacher. What a lovely gift.

Eileen Godfrey commemorated a trip to Ireland in a most unusual way.

Cheryl Childers shares two very unusual and delightful photo-transfer quilts, like nothing you've ever seen before. and

Linda Woods is holding up THREE photo-quilts she'd like you to see. Head over to and scroll all the way down to the bottom, feeling free to admire any other photo-quilts that strike your fancy.

Clara Drummond saw some cool sidewalks in Cadillac, Michigan. and Betty Hauck was watching her step in Boston, MA.

Stay Away From The Chicken is good advice coming from Janet Rutherford who wonders, What Were They Thinking! send in a great what were they thinking

Susan Beasher suggested a great name for a Twisted Sisters Quilt---Oliver Twist! Made with olive fabric surrounding a center square of fabric featuring martini glasses. (Susan even swapped the fabric with me.) See more Twisted Sisters Stuff at

They did it again. It's going to cost more to mail your letters and for me to send out your merchandise. But, we're going to eat most of the increase again this time, with only a minor change in shipping rates for items you purchase from Mallery Press. Shipping for one item in the US will increase from $3.75 to $3.95 and shipping for two or more items will STAY THE SAME: just $4.95. Foreign orders are still based on weight and distance.

We usually ship Priority Mail, but sometimes, some orders go out UPS. With the new priority rates we may be shipping more and more by UPS, but we'll tell you when we e-mail you how to expect your package.

Here's an easy way to make up for that $0.20 shipping increase. Tell a friend about my web page and get a 10% discount on your next on-line order of $15 or more. Look for the links at the bottom of nearly every page.

You've been asking long enough. I've finally patterned my Sinking Sailboat mini quilt in time for a little summer fun. Just 9" x 30" it'll take you no time at all and I've even gone shopping for you. Get the pattern and kit for a special introductory price, or just the pattern.

Have you tried Cheapo Scissors? These you'll actually want to use on fabric. They work, and you can't beat the price. Would I steer you wrong? Take a look at

And, lastly, the cutest little curved blade clippers around for cutting threads close to the surface of the quilt with ease and safety. They look strange, but they work great. Click on the inset picture to see them in action on Sinking Sailboat.

Should you be searching for M&M fabric visit Sandi Batten's site at . I've never seen so much M&M stuff in my life. Amazing.

Louise Young is heading off to the San Blas Islands of Panama with quilters and bird-watchers again in February. I had a fantastic time when I went several years ago. Check it out at and hit the link at the bottom of the page to e-mail Louise Young for the details and trip itinerary. Trip dates are February 12-23, 2003.

I received this from my friend Kris Driessen, of Quilt Bus fame.

Things have been very odd lately. Not crazy or crowded or overwhelming as usual - just odd. For example, Art (our horse) got loose the other day. We don't know how. His electric fence was hot and it was not down anywhere. He must have levitated, because we couldn't find his tracks.

Anyway, we searched for hours. No horse. So we finally drew straws to see who would call the state police ("Did anyone report finding a horse?") and sure enough, someone had.

Enter Mrs. Fishman. This poor woman! She told us that she found a little white kitten a few months ago, and when she called animal control they told her they "don't do cats." So she found a home for the kitten. Then she found a dog. She called animal control and they told her the pound was full. So she found a home for the dog. Last month, she found a goat. She called animal control and they told her they "don't do goats, either." She called the state police ("You found a what?") They offered to come and shoot it for her. So she found a home for the goat.

This month she opens her front door to see a horse standing there. She told us she laughed until she cried. What next? You do have to see her point.

Anyway, we go and get the horse, discovering his tracks on the driveway on the way out. Apparently, he had wandered past the front of the house, down the driveway, across a major highway, through a field, down someone else's driveway and crossed the road again to get to Mrs. Fishman. (I have this mental image of some city slicker driving down the road, seeing Art cross the road in front of him and saying to his wife:" Hey, Mabel! Look at the size of that deer!")

We decided to walk Art home the same way. As we were going down someone's driveway to the field, a little old lady comes out and says, "Is that your horse? I saw him walk past my kitchen window this morning, but I didn't think anything of it."

You see what I mean by odd?

Hope you have a great quilting day.
Thanks for reading all the way to the end!
Ami Simms


Kaye Wood's Newsletter Sample
Jim, computer expert.
Klez Virus Explained
Win Cool Stuff
Bid On A Quilt
No More Telemarketers
Anne Norman's Quilt
Eileen Godfrey's Quilt
Cheryl Childer's Quilt, #1
Cheryl Childer's Quilt, #2
Linda Wood's Photo-Quilts
Watch Your Step In Cadillac, MI
Watch Your Step in Boston
What Were They Thinking?!
Oliver Twist Block
Twisted Sisters Rotary Template & Pattern
Sinking Sailboat Pattern
Cheapo Scissors
Curved Blade Clippers
M&M Fabric
Mola Hunting in Panama
Quilt Bus