Warning: this is an OLD newsletter. Time marches on; things change. Information may be outdated, irrelevant, misleading or incorrect. (That means links, which are down at the bottom, may not work either. Unless it sends you to a porno site I won't fix it so don't tell me.) To get on the list to receive the next current newsletter, just e-mail me. It's free! What are you waiting for?

The Ami-Simms-Newsletter
March 2002

WELCOME
It's nice to have you here, as always. Just the thought of you reading this newsletter every month warms my cockles. How are YOUR cockles?

TWISTED SISTERS
I just got back from the Mid-Atlantic Quilt Festival and had a great time. One of the highlights was the Twisted Sisters workshop which premiered the Twisted Sisters Rotary Template & Pattern. Participants gave wonderful suggestions on how to make the directions a little easier to follow and the supply list for the workshop more clear. Total strangers wanted to BUY their own Twisted Sisters. My cockles were so warm I had to open the window!

We'll be photographing the quilts on March 11. Within a few weeks the pattern will be ready for the printer. Approximately three weeks after that the elves at Mallery Press will be affixing the templates to the pattern with my favorite product: fugitive adhesive-otherwise known as BOOGER GLUE. (I just love saying that.)

As soon as the price is set and we have an expected "delivery date" I'll let you know, probably in the April newsletter. (It's getting very exciting!)

RUDY THE CAT
Last month several of you sent me the "Rudy The Cat" story and I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Tears streaming down my face I tried to work my way backwards through the forwarded e-mails. Mary W. was kind enough to send a link to , the very same web page I recommend when it's time to separate fact from fiction. No urban legend here, folks. Rudy is for real. And yes he did get his head stuck in a garbage disposal, and yes he is just fine.

Through that site I was able to track down Patti Schroeder, the author of this true story, to ask her permission to let me post the story on my web page. She was not only gracious enough to allow me to do so, but included the original text, an update, plus a photo of Rudy and his new little brother, Albert.

For the best laugh of the day, read Patti Schroeder's "Catch of the Day" at

RE-RAN AGAIN
You'd think for all the times I've been on Simply Quilts in the last few months my family would appoint someone else to replenish the toilet paper or pick up dirty socks. Oh yeah, this is the REAL world!

Simply Quilts #217 (on making photo-transfers) was re-broadcast on Friday Feb. 8 at 8:30am. (No I didn't watch it, but I strongly suspect I said pretty much the same things I did last time I tuned in.)

As that show was taped several years ago head to for more up-to-date information. There is a step-by-step "how to" transfer with Photos-To-Fabric transfer paper, descriptions of both Creating Scrapbook Quilts and Fun Photo-Quilts & Crafts, and a list of compatible color copy machines. Check out the FAQs too.

How to transfer:
Creating Scrapbook Quilts:
Fun Photo-Quilts & Crafts:
Frequently Asked Questions:

CYBER SHOW & TELL
Susan from Carthage, MO shows off her stash this month. She says she's been PRACTICING making quilts for the last 20 years. Nancy Funderburk just finished her string quilt from my workshop in Springfield, MO last year. Take a look at this beauty at . Also, Mary Ed Williams shares a lovely photo-quilt at

There are two new additions to the "What Were They Thinking" page. Check out and then for some serious giggles check out http://www.Engrish.com for some hilarious "English" translations on Japanese products. Before you laugh too hard, try learning Japanese!

WIN COOL STUFF
The prize for March is a wonderful sampling of Robert Kaufman's Kona Multi Dye fabric. We're talking 10 very generous one-yard cuts of gorgeous textured solids that look hand dyed. I've taken them out of the box 6 times now and petted them all over. It's all I can do to put them back in for this prize! They are exquisite!

These "to dye for" Multi Dye fabrics are made using a unique technique which combines dying and printing to simulate the rich texture of hand dyed fabric. No two yards are exactly alike, but the effect is consistent throughout. (And, believe me, I've checked.)

Enter early and often!

While you're there, check to see if YOU won the fantastic "quilty rug" from Classic Rug Collections. Luck wasn't with you this time? Maybe you'll want to head over to the Sale Room at for a great deal on closeouts. They have "just one left" of a number of very beautiful rugs at terrific savings. Shopping elsewhere on the sight? Get a discount when you mention "The Ami Simms Newsletter." Go to

HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY PURSE?
I misplace my purse (and car keys) daily. This is partly because the people I live with refuse to carry things for me, such as my purse, keys, gloves, groceries, fabric purchases, in short anything I left the house to go out and get.

Someday, they will realize that they can have at least 15 minutes of extra free time every day if they would just take care of all these things for me. I would exit the car and they would just "take care" of all my "things." Imagine Queen Elizabeth. I could do the smile and wave thing, and let them do the rest.

As it is, I am forced to do it all myself. And, when I multi-task things go out of control. Arriving home I have to put down my purse and keys to deal with whatever else is in my hands. That's usually how I determine the "new temporary storage facility." So, technically, I suppose, all I have to do is remember what immediate chore consumed my short-term memory when I arrived home, and my purse and keys are miraculously "found." Except that this changes so often it's really hard to keep track.

Santa brought mother (from whom I inherited the Lost Purse Gene) and I each a pair matching purse locators. They are annoying at best. We put them on our purses and on our key chains. The rationale is that if we are in possession of any one of the four, it can be used to locate the other three. Push the button twice and a shrill squealing chirp is emitted from the vile device. The other three mates, if they are within earshot, chirp in response. It's sort of like playing MARCO....POLO. Chirp....chirp.

Half the time my keys are in a coat pocket that somehow mysteriously found it's way to the hall closet or my purse was accidentally loaded into the refrigerator with the rest of the groceries. The other half of the time mother is standing right next to me with her purse and keys and she starts chirping so wildly it's impossible to hear anything else, least of all the MISSING chirper.

I was meeting with the aforementioned photographer for a strategy session last week about the Twisted Sisters pattern. Mother and I made it an outing. I had set my purse on the table in the little conference room and popped my keys in my pants pocket so that I could flap out the quilts for him to see with both hands.

Things went quite well until the end of the presentation when I sat down. As my butt hit the chair the chirper somehow activated the panic button on the car clicker, which also lives on my key chain. Quite startled, I heard some moron's car alarm going off. Through the window I saw a car just like mine, it's lights flashing to the beat of the honking horn. As soon as I realized THAT WAS MY CAR flashing and honking I became aware of all four purse locators chirping wildly.

Never having ever set off the car alarm before, heck I didn't even know I had one, I was clueless how to turn it off. From experience I knew enough NOT to push the chirp button again. Both purses and both key chains just had to chirp through the entire cycle. I reasoned the car alarm worked the same way. Not quite. The battery has to die first.

Mine was voted the most exciting visual (and audio) presentation they'd had all week.

PEPPERMINT TWIST
Huge thanks to everyone who poked around in their stash for red and white stripes in order to earn a place in history, my perpetual gratitude, and of course the 20% discount off the soon-to-be suggested retail price of the Twisted Sisters Rotary Template & Pattern. There are 37 people who will see their name immortalized on the label (just as soon as I finish the quilt). I'm hoping that will be in time for the Twisted Sisters touring exhibit at the end of April. (Stop laughing!)

Some of you were kind enough to send multiple pieces of fabric, the history of which I found fascinating. A few kind-hearted souls went shopping for me, some challenged their friends to hunt stripes, but most raided their stashes. I now have the absolute best collection of red and white striped fabric on the planet, including a most bizarre and delightful one dating from the mid-80's. THANK YOU!

Since you were all so generous I have decided that a measly 20% discount won't cut it. It's 50% or no discount at all! I now have your names and addresses taped to my monitor. In order to redeem your discount you must order on line and write something in the comment section when you check out like: "I get the discount because I sent you fabric." Or, "Look on your monitor for my name, stupid." Or something like that to get my attention. If I can find your name and address on the paper taped to my monitor, then you're in business.

And to make things even friendlier, you can request ONE Twisted Sisters Rotary Template at 50% off the as-yet-still-unknown suggested retail price, or get TWO for the as-yet-still-unknown suggested retail price, in case you have a friend who wants to be the first on their block to twist a sister.

And the deadline was February 14, so don't send any more fabric!

EBAY AUCTION
If you want to do something nice, bid on the beautiful red, white and blue quilt I just put up on Ebay. It was assembled and quilted from your donated blocks by Team #14 is on the auction block for the next 10 days or so. Please bid generously. Not only is this a lovely quilt with exceptionally fine quilting, but the proceeds from the sale will go to Leader Dogs For The Blind, a very worthwhile organization.

Please take a look at

ON THE ROAD AGAIN
I'll be visiting the Cottonwood Quilters in Elkhorn, Nebraska around St. Patrick's Day. If the green beer doesn't make lecture participants woozy, slides of the Worst Quilt In The World Contest entries will. Come on by and say HI. For more information, please check my teaching schedule at:

Please note: to my knowledge the guild is NOT serving beer of ANY color, so please make plans on procuring that elsewhere, if at all.

THE BRA QUILT
Christine Thresh, reader of this newsletter, has just come out with a wonderfully wacky quilt pattern. Check it out at: .

ADDRESS CHANGES
If you're changing email addresses and can't figure out how to do that at Yahoo.Groups.com, just send me a 2-line e-mail exactly like this:

NEW Address: SweetQuilter@pieces.com
OLD address: SweetQuilter3456@zigzag.com

(Obviously, you'll want to insert your own email addresses in there, OK?)

Have a great day with lots of quilting!
Ami Simms
www.MalleryPress.com
amisimms@aol.com

REMOVAL INSTRUCTIONS
No matter what it says elsewhere, hit reply. Type REMOVE. That's it. Don't forward the entire newsletter back to me or I'll send you TWO newsletters next time. (The subject line should give me a clue that you're responding to the newsletter.)

I do this all manually myself. I see each and every removal notice. Be kind; I cry easily.

AOL HYPERLINKS
Fact or Fiction: Check It Out
Catch Of The Day
Photo-Quilting
How to photo-transfer
Creating Scrapbook Quilts
Fun Photo-Quilts & Crafts
Frequently Asked Questions
Susan's Stash
Nancy Funderburk's String Quilt
Mary Ed Williams' Photo-Quilt
What Were They Thinking?!
Engrish.com
Win Cool Stuff
Bargains on "Quilty" Rugs
"Quilty Rug Showroom
Ebay Auction
Teaching Schedule
Bra Quilt