Can You Invent This For Me? (April 1998)

I think itís time I got new glasses. The lenses are fine, but the frames are on their last leg. Or whatever you call that part that hangs over your ear. Ever since I adjusted the back seat of the car from the ďtilted-way-backĒ position to the ďway-too-straightĒ position, my specs havenít been the same. I must have surprised the chair, or possibly it isnít too bright to adjust those things when youíre not actually sitting in them. (I was leaning over it, facing the back of the car at the time.) The chair back came up rather suddenly and whacked me in the head sending my glasses flying over my left shoulder and into the steering wheel.

My glasses donít fit any more. Either the shock has permanently elevated one of my eyebrows, or the lady at the optical place didnít get them aligned properly. So I want new frames, but itís so hard to decide on the perfect ones. And trying on samples is no help. If I could see what the new frames would look like by trying on frames with no lenses, I wouldnít need glasses in the first place! Besides, I look so good without my glasses on, I canít concentrate on the frames Iím auditioning. Without my corrective lenses, my wrinkles disappear, the emerging gray hair isnít as noticeable, and I look fuzzy around the edges---just like one of those glamour photos. I look ten years younger.

Anyway, I want somebody to invent a machine for picking out new frames. You go into a little booth where nobody can see you and you try on the frames. Thereís a video camera in there and you click a button each time you pop on a new frame. Smile, click. Smile, click. Smile, click. Then you put your real glasses back on, the ones that you can actually see with, and you look at the pictures of yourself wearing your new frames. That way you can see how youíd look. Good idea, huh? Start working on it, will you? And mail the royalties this way, OK? (Remember, you heard it here first!)

And another thing.... people who make eye glass cleaner in the little squish bottles really ought to make the pin prick that the liquid sprays out of a different color than the rest of the pumping part. Obviously, itís made to be used by people who wear glasses, whose vision may not be the greatest when theyíre holding their glasses in their hands instead of wearing them on their heads. I can't tell you how many times I've squinted at the bottle, figured I had it pointing in the right direction, and then shot myself in the face. Solution: I now take a Pigma pen and put a circle around the squirt hole every time I get a new bottle of the stuff. (c) 1998 by Ami Simms.