(In this case, we're wondering what these dogs were thinking!)
By Dave Wiley
I was driving home from work when I heard it. SPRONG!! I had no idea what the noise was, but something had just given way on my 1994 Chevy Suburban. I pulled off the side of the road, looking for the source of the noise. Today especially was not a good day for my truck to turn from an old reliable vehicle into an inanimate object. Not that its ever a good thing for your car to break down, but our other vehicle was in the shop and I had to pick up my wife from work later and retrieve her car. I pulled into the driveway and gave the truck one more going over. I didn’t see anything wrong.
I went in the house and fed the dogs, and then on a whim decided to take them with me to pick up my wife. It’s always a treat for them to go for a ride, and Lisa always likes the pleasant surprise of five faces in the car window instead of the normal two. After feeding and bodily function refreshing of the dogs, we all packed into the truck to go get Aiden from daycare.
I am probably a bad dad for letting the dogs roam the truck while I drive instead of kenneling them, but I do, and they are pretty good about lying down. Kodah, Samoyed number one, likes the front seat(unless of course Lisa is in it). Kia, Samoyed number two prefers the way back. Kenndrah, the miniature pinscher, just likes being wherever something is going on in the truck. Everyone had taken up their normal posts. Kodah was still doing her spin-and-find-the-ultimate-comfortable spot on the front seat, when I heard a noise that sounded like dog gas. Oh man!!! Kodah heard it to, and stood up to sniff her rear.
Interestingly, all my dogs handle their food sharing experiences differently. Kodah stands up and smells her rear. I guess since she enjoys food so much, its just sort of a review of what she had for dinner. Then she drifts off to sleep, reminded by the smell of whatever it was she ate. Kia on the other hand, won’t move a muscle. If there wasn’t a sound association, you wouldn’t even know she’d done anything until the aroma hit. Kenndrah is the most animated of the three when it comes to her flatulence passing. She runs around in a circle, basically trying to smell her own rear, then she “scoots”, foot shuffles, and finally for a grand finally she emits a small bark. Scooting is sitting on the floor, preferably carpet or something soft, and sort of dragging her rear end, much like she is wiping herself on the carpet. The shuffle is just as it sounds. She stands in one place, takes her two back feet, and alternately kicks them until she is satisfied she has buried the offending smell with invisible smell destroying material. Outside, it’s a bunch of flying grass. The small bark at the end is only used when she has aromatically shared her food. I have never heard that bark used to say “dad, give me a carrot”, or any other communication. I should clarify here. Kenndrah goes through this ritual anytime ANYONE passes gas, not just when she does it. The only difference is when someone else does it, she runs around and smells all rear ends in the region until she finds the offending rear end, THEN she starts the scoot, shuffle, bark dance. If she can’t figure out who it was, she’ll go to the center of the room where the ritual can be viewed by all possible offending parties. If she does figure out who did it, she performs her little dance right in front of the offending party just to let them know she is privy to who did it.
Anyhow back to the story. After Kodah finished checking herself and found out she’d done nothing, she looked around. Kenndrah heard the sound and immediately shifted into search and detect mode, but was also unable to come up with the culprit. Kia just sat in the back looking out the window. She was a possibility, but the sound came from the front. Kodah again decided to sit down, and when she parked herself, once again came the fatal Pfffffffttttt noise. She stood up, checked again. Nothing. Kenndrah again when into search and detect mode, also coming up with nothing. Scoot, shuffle, bark… and she hopped into the backseat again. A third time Kodah went to lay down. Pffftttttt…. Stand up, sniff, Kenndrah hopped up front, check, scoot, shuffle, bark, hop to the back. I pushed on the seat where Kodah was sitting. SPRONG!!! Ahah. The noise I’d heard earlier. A spring must have broken in the seat. I think it spronged because I could push harder than Kodah could lay down, so when she laid down it sounded like a fart rather than the sprong it made when I pushed.
We’d reached daycare and I went in to get Aiden. We came out and he was excited, as usual, to see the dogs in the truck. Everyone piled in and of course the whole noise, check, hop into the front, check, scoot, shuffle, bark, hop in back thing started all over again. Now though it had the addition of Aiden laughing his little tush off after Kenndrah finished her grand finale bark.
So went the entire half hour trip to pick up Lisa. Circle, lay down, pffftttt, stand up, sniff, hop, check, scoot, shuffle, bark hop laugh. No culprit found. The sound effects reminded me of watching Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I kept thinking of that machine that made the everlasting gobstoppers. It would make series of noises in a cadence before spitting out a finished gobstopper. Of course my deranged mind expanded the thought into what the Oompah Loompa’s would sing about this little scenario going on in the car.
Oompah, loompah doompah dee dooh.
Someone has gas, but no one knows who….
Oompah, Loompah, Doompah dee dee.
All I know for sure is that it is not me.
What do you get when your front seat is broke?
You get a strange noise and a good doggy joke.
None of the dogs know from where the sound comes
And they keep checking everyones’ bums.
Oompah, 1oompah doompah dee dooh. Now my little son is laughing too…
Oompah, loompah doompah dee dee. Wait until our mommy can see.
I sang my little tune to my son, who found it immensely entertaining. He would sing the Oompah Loompah parts of the song as well. Now we were up to: Circle, lay, gas noise, stand up, sniff, hop, check, scoot, shuffle, bark, hop, giggle, sing the oompah loompah song, laugh.
Finally, we reached our destination. Lisa came walking out right about the time Aiden was laughing his little head off. “What’s so funny?” she asked. I told her to take a seat in the back and she would find out. Now Kodah wouldn’t sit down anymore. Aiden was in the back going, oompah, oompah, oompah. Lisa wants to know why he is saying that. I keep telling her, “Just wait, just wait, Kodah has to lie down”. Then came ten more minutes of nothing. Finally Kodah does her spin. I say “Here we go!!” Aiden starts to giggle. Kodah lies down. Pfffttttt. Lisa says “What was that”? I tell her to just watch. Kodah sniffs her rear, Kenndrah starts searching, including sniffing Lisa now. Aiden giggles his little anticipatory laugh because he’d just been checked for gastronomic expulsion. Kenndrah dives into the front seat and checks Kodah and me for any signs of being the instigator. Then she scoots, shuffles, and does the little bark thing and hops back into the back seat. Aiden and I sing the Ooompah loompah song, and then Aiden busts out laughing. Granted the situation is funny enough, but you throw in the belly laugh of a little kid who is only fifteen months old, and you can only laugh harder.
I am laughing so hard I am crying. Aiden is laughing so hard I assume he probably wet his diaper. Lisa is laughing but looking at us like we are lunatics. She says “so this is what you guys do in the car when I’m not here?” Then Kodah spins, lays, Pfffftttt and Aiden shifts back to just the anticipatory giggle. Here we go again!!! Windshield wipers don’t help when the water is in your eyes.
Copyright 2005 by Dave Wiley
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Used with permission of the author